Funny how things change...

I know, I know...I haven't been a faithful Undercover Fat Girl. :-( I am actually terrible at blogging - which is sad because my career path has been built upon my writing skills. As I've said before, I hate writing but I love having written.

With that said, here I am. Wish I could say that I am here with great news to report. I don't. It's been a rough past couple of months. To make things easy, I will post below the message I sent to the folks on the Texas Message Board on www.obesityhelp.com yesterday. It pretty much covers a lot of what's going on in my mind...

My next life journey...need your positive energy please

Since I am going to be seeing many of you Saturday, I wanted to let you know a little bit about what's been going on in my world so I don't have to talk around the subject or explain myself in any way.

After being on this journey from morbid obesity for almost 23 months and losing 174 or so pounds, I am now traveling down another life-altering path. Unfortunately, this one isn't filled with the happiness that was an instrumental part of my WLS journey. This one is filled with much inner grief and tremendous sadness.

I am in the process of getting a divorce.

I have been concerned about the flaws in my marriage for some time now and it has weighed heavy on my heart. However, I couldn't imagine how bad it would hurt and how horrible the stress would be once the decision was made to end it. I've had times where I have felt like I couldn't breath because the heartbreak was so intense.

While we've both known it hasn't been a good fit for some time now, we never wanted to speak the words. To be honest, I love him so much that I think I would have kept our marriage on life support indefinitely just so I wouldn't have to let it die. Finally, he probably did the most humane thing and pulled the plug, saying it was time to end it. I was devastated.

Not only has he been my biggest cheerleader throughout my weight-loss process, he is the reason I moved to Texas from Indiana. I have supported him through much and he has done the same for me. He's been my rock through all of my life's ups and downs over the past six years and I cannot imagine life without him sometimes.

So, when he made the call to end the marriage, I begged him to reconsider. However, when I stepped back and looked at the entire picture, I realized that it was the only right thing to do because our arguments were becoming more intense and more frequent. If we held on much longer, it would only prolong the inevitable as it has become obvious we are not compatible.

We have been making ourselves miserable trying to fit into these rigid squares just trying to please the other. After finally discussing the bigger picture of our situation and what was happening to us with the constant conflict, we knew we didn't want to put it off until the point where we resented and hated one another...we want nothing but happiness at this point for the other.

Since that time, we've tried to remain friends. However, with our feelings running on overload, even that's been extremely strained at times. It has caused us much anxiety and stress on top of the heaviness of just dealing with the end of our marriage and our combined dreams. Also, this was a second marriage for both of us, so I am sure pride played a role in us not wanting to give it up too.

We just built a house about two years ago, so we're living here together but with separate lives until we can make a rationale decision about the house and finances. It's very hard because our emotions are still raw. We definitely love one another but we're not meant to be married. That's the hardest pill to swallow. It also makes it tough as you try to live as roommates. We are exploring options and, knock on wood, I might have a viable option open to me. I will discuss more later if it happens.

I am just trying my best to accept reality. I do not cling or beg, but rather I am just moving forward in life. I am the eternal optimist and I don't let things get me down for long.

I will feel the pain and experience it deeply - often freaking people out because I hit such a low for a few days. However, if I don't deal with my pain and feel it fully like that, it will come out some other way if I shove it down deep inside. After I deal with it, I am my usual happy self. The residual pain is there inside of course, but I can cope much better when I channel it through a positive attitude.

So, you will me Saturday enjoying myself. Will I be hurting inside to some degree? Of course - I am human. Don't think I am in complete denial or feeling thrilled I have to endure this. However, I feel like everything happens for a reason, so I am trusting that God has a plan for me. As that plan unfolds, I want to make the most out of each day. God gave me this do-over with the surgery, so I will continue to live my life to the fullest despite the emotional setbacks that I must work through.

Above all, I refuse to feel sorry for myself. Those who know me in real life from here can tell you I am a passionate person who loves to laugh and have FUN! I refuse to let this gripping fear and intense pain control me so much that it denies me from having fun and happiness. Doing so creates a dysfunctional behavior that I refuse to subscribe to. I am not going to punish myself, lock myself into an emotional cage or give myself excuses to hold back in life - I've come too far to fall into those self-abuse traps. We held ourselves back with our weight and overeating. Now that I am free from those bonds, I refuse to enslave myself to more self-inflicted emotional abuse.

I want to thank those few folks who have helped me through the first few days of darkness. Somehow they tuned into the pain I was feeling and reached out. I won't say names, but they know that I love them dearly and I will never forget the love, care and kindness they have given me. The TLC will forever be appreciated and will be reciprocated whenever the time calls for me to give back in the same way.

Plus, I want to thank those of you who have been my wonderful friends throughout my first journey. I may not post much here, but don't ever doubt how much you mean to me and how you have inspired me in countless ways. Just know I will still need you through this next phase, as well as I will also need any and all new friends I meet from here along the way.

This is pretty long, so I won't even go into the whole other topic of how freaking scary it is to think about being technically single again after about 12 years - and me weighing about 125 pounds less now than I did then. Being single and a size 8 is a scary, scary thing!

As I told some folks here already, the men are coming out of the woodwork and it is so damnnn overwhelming I wanna cover my head and hide from the world!

...but that's a topic for some other time!

Anyway, thank you for listening and please send me your positive energy and prayers. I need them because this journey changes for me emotionally each day - and sometimes the pain can be unbearable. I will need you all as I find what it is in my life God has planned for me.

As with my weight-loss journey, I will hold tight to this Scripture, which has given me strength and a vision each time I have felt scared and lost:

"I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for."
Jeremiah 29:11

My love to you all!
xoxox...MelissaD...Kitty...Your Friend

Random photos of the Undercover Fat Girl

Here's a look at Undercover Fat Girl's Life. ;-)

Most of these pics were taken with the picture phone I got a month or so ago. Because I now always have a camera with me, I am really trying to use it to chronicle my life. I love how the pics are low-resolution and grainy. It gives them an edgy look.

Anyway, just wanted to share some random photos capturing the life of me - Kitty - and my assorted group of wonderful friends. :-)


Scott and me


Good kisses


Scott and his birthday girl


A Sunday afternoon


Us with our friend Deb



Self-portrait in the parking garage at work


The Diva Girls - Toni, Liz, Donna and Miss Kitty


My best friend Liz and me


Donna, Lance and me at The Hop


Mark, Toni, Donna and me at The Hop


Toni and me at The Hop


Getting ready for work...


Me actually at work


A different day at work


This is a crazy hair day at work


With Debbie


Sitting on Mike's lap


Another one of Mike and me...I look so happy. ;-)


Cheesing with Mark - my partner in crime


This is actually a nice pic of Mark and me...


And this one is typical (Mark is just pretending he's grabbing my ta-ta)


Posing with Sly


Digging Tim


Love wearing piggy tails!


I have quite an assortment of printed shirts


It takes a lot of work to be a diva ;-)


Just me


Hello Kitty


Fun in the tub



My wardrobe choice for The Hop's Lady in Red contest


Devil woman


Hanging with the cutie couple Lee and Margo


Perry and Marshall - gay men on my boobs!


What a difference two years makes, huh? ...but I still have the thick thighs. Still, they specifically get a lot of drinks sent my way! ;-)

How does one handle the attention?

Yesterday my friend and I were emailing back and forth about how she is blossoming everyday since having weight-loss surgery. She has always been beautiful to me. However, she is now at the point, with almost 100 pounds gone, where she is getting more and more compliments...as well as more and more attention from men. It's only natural sadly.

I told her how one guy I know was saying she is so pretty now and how the world better look out when she gets to goal.

She wrote back and said:

Its funny coz my 'old' hair dresser says the same thing. About 2 month after surgery I had gone in for a trim and she said "your mom mentioned you had surgery, are you ok?" and I said ya, I had weight-loss surgery. After she picked her teeth up (we are the same age and I have known her since we were 18) she was all squealing and happy and goes OMG Katie bar the door!!! The world isn't ready for you smaller girl lol. Those men wont know what hit them.

Ok so where are all these men???

I wrote her back with:

Ummmm you haven't noticed them coming out of the woodwork???????

People told me those things too. And she's right too. Getting rid of the weight really does free you up mentally - even when you didn't realize that the weight was bothering you that much. It's so nice not to constantly feel and think about being fat. It frees you up to shine more.

To which she replied:

YA but im still sleeping alone lol

I know she was kidding, but I couldn't pass the opportunity to share my thoughts at length about that comment. While I am not worried about her going off the deep end, I still felt sharing my thoughts might help her. I am including it here because maybe it can help others too. :-)


I am just saying - men ARE coming out of the woodwork and giving you LOTS of compliments. Instead of acknowledging it you said "ya BUT I am still sleeping alone."

I know you were kidding but still - words you say and think are still very powerful in shaping your new view of yourself. Hope that makes sense.

I just want you to know that just because you're not hooking up, it doesn't negate that you are blossoming and more and more men ARE finding you attractive - and more and more will continue to do so.

I said that in regards to others I know who are really struggling - especially one girl. For her, positive attention, in her mind, is to get some. She ties the two together when they need to be two separate things. It's affecting her and how she presents herself and, when someone who thinks she is very pretty rejects her advances, she sees it as that she isn't getting positive attention.

Also, you are not getting any because you are being PICKY. You have to hold on to that privilege too - especially as the pounds come off more. It's going to be SO tempting to take men up on their offers - and you'll get lots. I think in all former fat girls, there is something in us that wants to prove to men (especially those who wouldn't like us before) that we ARE hot and sexy and desirable. But you have to channel it in the right way though.

I find a lot of pleasure in how I approach it. I get to prove my point but I don't give it up. I mean, look at the guys who come in and out of my life as friends. If I were single and had fallen for each one (or screwed them), my self esteem would be crap because in the end you see what they are out for.

There ARE really good men out there but you gotta weed out the others. In the process, I have fun, prove my point and I have met a few nice men who, if I weren't married, would make great partners. Those men of the world are worth the extra effort.

I realize I am married so people can say it is easier for me to do all this. However, I also know some married women go off the deep end too. So, I am not immune. It could really be a super mindf*ck if I didn't approach it correctly. I just have to channel my energy appropriately.

I hope you take the "prove my point" route as well. Women who take the other route really aren't proving anything except they are insecure and need to bed down with someone in order to feel self worth (which backfires in the end each time). By going to bed with a hot guy just to show yourself you can do it and you are wanted only puts you in an inferior position and negates all that you've worked hard for. The TRUE pleasure is in just knowing you have them eating out of the palm of your hands. ;-)

I know you know all this but still...I just want you to really understand that you have been, are and will be beautiful to me, Scott and your friends. It's just that, the more you emerge from your cocoon, the rest of the world is going to see it too and it all comes rushing in like a tidal wave. It's happening now and it only hits harder and harder.

As I've said a thousand times, I am so glad I have Scott to balance it all out because I wouldn't be able to have the clarity about the situation as I do now. Now I am trying to be that balance for you because it is a total mind trip and a lot of "fat" issues rise to the surface - insecurities, anger, frustration, past hurts, wanting to make up for lost time.

You ride these crazy emotions every day. Sometimes the compliments are intoxicating; sometimes they make you so mad. Sometimes they seem so shallow; sometimes you want people to worship you. But through it all, you have to be true to yourself and not let the outside forces damage the fragile being inside of the new shell that everyone adores.

I love you, Butterfly.

:-)

Ah-ha! Here I am!

Welcome to Phase II of my most incredible journey!

After 30-plus years of being obese, I am now living life as an Undercover Fat Girl. :-)

For those who don't know me, you really should check out my first blog to even understand what this new one is all about. http://melissadeaver.blogspot.com/

However, if you are short on time or just don't feel like it, I will give you a brief overview:

After losing 171 or so pounds from gastric bypass surgery just a little over 19 months ago, I am now comfortably living my life as a "normal-size" woman. What does this mean? Well, it means that I blend into society without strangers even knowing that I've ever been super morbidly obese. In fact, it's for that reason that I have created this blog.

I feel like I've been given admission to the VIP Room at the hottest nightclub in town. Don't get me wrong - life was good before and people treated me great. So, it's like I was already lucky enough to be in the exclusive nightclub to start with - but now I've gained access to a whole other level that I didn't even know existed.

I've never been able to wear size small tops or size 8 outfits. I've never had so many men wanting to get that door for me or buy me a drink or take me to dinner in Europe one night. I've never had so many women be cold or bitchy or disapproving in their looks toward me - but then totally warm up when they learn I wore a size 30/32 less than two years ago.

In fact, you cannot imagine the things people (especially men) will say or do when they have no clue you've been a fat chick. I mean, it seems like I am a magnet for totally bone-headed, rude comments about the obese.

For example: I'm standing at my fave bar just people watching. A guy has been checking me out for five minutes. I feel him lurking until he finally gets the courage to come over and chat. It goes something like this:

Him: "Yeah, I got separated from my friends. They're here somewhere."

Me: "Hmmm...that sux."

Him: "You really are gorgeous."

Me: "Thank you. I appreciate that."

Him: "Yeah...there sure a lot of fat girls here tonight."

Me: "So you have a problem with fat women?"

Him: "Oh no. It's just that there's a lot of them here, that's all. You're far from fat though."

Me: *silence* walks off...

Usually when a guy makes a "fat girl" comment, I pull out my ace in the hole and reveal my history. I generally say "Well you picked the wrong woman to say that to since I use to weight 324 pounds."

I do it just to watch the guy stutter and apologize profusely and then go on and on about how incredible they think I look, etc. I am not normally one to put people on the hot seat but, when it comes to fat bashing, I want people to understand that you should never judge a book by its cover, so to speak.

That's why I thought I would share my adventures as I live my life as an undercover fat girl. Why do I call myself that?

Well, the reality is that you can remove the weight, but it's impossible to totally erase a mindset you've had for 30-plus years as someone who has never been a "normal size" person. You are conditioned to view the world differently. You are more sensitive to fat jokes, rude comments about the obese and the disgusted looks you see people give when a big person walks by.

Which brings me to another point - I use the term 'fat' freely, as you can probably tell. I always have. I decided when I was overweight that I refused to give that word undue power by not daring to speak its name. Even though I still only use it as a descriptive word and not a derogatory word, I have learned that I still need to watch saying it now so freely in public. I don't want any plus-size strangers to take offense when it comes out of my mouth now. I never ever want to hurt anyone with my flippant use of a word that does hold a lot of pain for thousands, if not millions.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am all about size acceptance. I will forever work to support and champion the obese of this world. Inside if not outside, I will always be "fat" and I will always have love, compassion and a true connection with other overweight people. I just happened to be a recovering obese person. But, much like alcoholics, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic - even if you are recovering.

I've been asked why I still hold on to a "fat mentality." So many cannot wait to break away and never look back. I've been told I don't have to worry about all that anymore - so let it go. "If I could lose that weight, there's no way I would think like a fat girl again. I would be the hottest woman there is and make everyone pay for how they treated me!"

Well, I think those who achieve significant weight loss and cut their "fat" ties are only setting themselves up for failure.

You cannot go through this drastic change and turn your back on the person inside of you who lived through the pain and frustration and embarrassment. That person is a survivor. That person knows how others suffer so you can in turn be of comfort and a symbol of hope. That person will help you keep it real when the world suddenly loves you more, finds you so sexy and invites you to do things you've never done before and go places you've never been.

My hope is that this blog will show just how the world does change when you experience significant weight loss. I didn't think it could happen to me - someone who was confident and embraced her sensuality as a full-figured woman.

But it did.

Hopefully, I can provide at times a humorous but always thought-provoking look at living life on the flipside. I'd like to be of service in two ways:

1. I think this could help those who are about to live life in a "normal-size" body so they can see what it's like on a regular basis. Since I am more able to keep it in perspective than a lot of women because I am married, maybe it can help them be more prepared for the craziness you encounter. My goal is to cut through the b-s and help people keep it real.

2. To show people who have never been obese how NOT to act. ;-)

I do have a disclaimer in all this: I am a party girl - so I am out on the town more than most. That of course gives me a lot of opportunities to hear crazy stuff from people - especially men trying to hit on me. ;-)

My husband Scott and I don't have children (yet) and we have a very open marriage where we do our own thing most of the time. I love to go dancing, so I am generally out and about on the weekend and sometimes a few nights during the week. So, I did want to stress that my situation isn't typical. But, the good part is that it gives me lots of fodder for this crazy blog.

I have to say that my hubby is very secure in himself and isn't threatened by my drastic change. He has loved me, supported me and found me hot at every single weight I've been. He has no problem with the attention I get, and he actually finds the humor in how many ways men can put their feet in their mouths.

I also have to say that in seeing the smarmy side of humanity, I have also met some wonderful people along the way who truly have been thrilled for me when learning of my achievements. Not every man who hits on me is slimy - so I don't want you to think this is an evil plot for me to set men up and shoot them down.

I genuinely love meeting people and am often flattered by the sweet words and compliments I receive from many. For the record: The ones who do offend me are never baited - they just slither my way on their own accord. ;-)

So, with all this said, let the adventures begin!