Funny how things change...

I know, I know...I haven't been a faithful Undercover Fat Girl. :-( I am actually terrible at blogging - which is sad because my career path has been built upon my writing skills. As I've said before, I hate writing but I love having written.

With that said, here I am. Wish I could say that I am here with great news to report. I don't. It's been a rough past couple of months. To make things easy, I will post below the message I sent to the folks on the Texas Message Board on www.obesityhelp.com yesterday. It pretty much covers a lot of what's going on in my mind...

My next life journey...need your positive energy please

Since I am going to be seeing many of you Saturday, I wanted to let you know a little bit about what's been going on in my world so I don't have to talk around the subject or explain myself in any way.

After being on this journey from morbid obesity for almost 23 months and losing 174 or so pounds, I am now traveling down another life-altering path. Unfortunately, this one isn't filled with the happiness that was an instrumental part of my WLS journey. This one is filled with much inner grief and tremendous sadness.

I am in the process of getting a divorce.

I have been concerned about the flaws in my marriage for some time now and it has weighed heavy on my heart. However, I couldn't imagine how bad it would hurt and how horrible the stress would be once the decision was made to end it. I've had times where I have felt like I couldn't breath because the heartbreak was so intense.

While we've both known it hasn't been a good fit for some time now, we never wanted to speak the words. To be honest, I love him so much that I think I would have kept our marriage on life support indefinitely just so I wouldn't have to let it die. Finally, he probably did the most humane thing and pulled the plug, saying it was time to end it. I was devastated.

Not only has he been my biggest cheerleader throughout my weight-loss process, he is the reason I moved to Texas from Indiana. I have supported him through much and he has done the same for me. He's been my rock through all of my life's ups and downs over the past six years and I cannot imagine life without him sometimes.

So, when he made the call to end the marriage, I begged him to reconsider. However, when I stepped back and looked at the entire picture, I realized that it was the only right thing to do because our arguments were becoming more intense and more frequent. If we held on much longer, it would only prolong the inevitable as it has become obvious we are not compatible.

We have been making ourselves miserable trying to fit into these rigid squares just trying to please the other. After finally discussing the bigger picture of our situation and what was happening to us with the constant conflict, we knew we didn't want to put it off until the point where we resented and hated one another...we want nothing but happiness at this point for the other.

Since that time, we've tried to remain friends. However, with our feelings running on overload, even that's been extremely strained at times. It has caused us much anxiety and stress on top of the heaviness of just dealing with the end of our marriage and our combined dreams. Also, this was a second marriage for both of us, so I am sure pride played a role in us not wanting to give it up too.

We just built a house about two years ago, so we're living here together but with separate lives until we can make a rationale decision about the house and finances. It's very hard because our emotions are still raw. We definitely love one another but we're not meant to be married. That's the hardest pill to swallow. It also makes it tough as you try to live as roommates. We are exploring options and, knock on wood, I might have a viable option open to me. I will discuss more later if it happens.

I am just trying my best to accept reality. I do not cling or beg, but rather I am just moving forward in life. I am the eternal optimist and I don't let things get me down for long.

I will feel the pain and experience it deeply - often freaking people out because I hit such a low for a few days. However, if I don't deal with my pain and feel it fully like that, it will come out some other way if I shove it down deep inside. After I deal with it, I am my usual happy self. The residual pain is there inside of course, but I can cope much better when I channel it through a positive attitude.

So, you will me Saturday enjoying myself. Will I be hurting inside to some degree? Of course - I am human. Don't think I am in complete denial or feeling thrilled I have to endure this. However, I feel like everything happens for a reason, so I am trusting that God has a plan for me. As that plan unfolds, I want to make the most out of each day. God gave me this do-over with the surgery, so I will continue to live my life to the fullest despite the emotional setbacks that I must work through.

Above all, I refuse to feel sorry for myself. Those who know me in real life from here can tell you I am a passionate person who loves to laugh and have FUN! I refuse to let this gripping fear and intense pain control me so much that it denies me from having fun and happiness. Doing so creates a dysfunctional behavior that I refuse to subscribe to. I am not going to punish myself, lock myself into an emotional cage or give myself excuses to hold back in life - I've come too far to fall into those self-abuse traps. We held ourselves back with our weight and overeating. Now that I am free from those bonds, I refuse to enslave myself to more self-inflicted emotional abuse.

I want to thank those few folks who have helped me through the first few days of darkness. Somehow they tuned into the pain I was feeling and reached out. I won't say names, but they know that I love them dearly and I will never forget the love, care and kindness they have given me. The TLC will forever be appreciated and will be reciprocated whenever the time calls for me to give back in the same way.

Plus, I want to thank those of you who have been my wonderful friends throughout my first journey. I may not post much here, but don't ever doubt how much you mean to me and how you have inspired me in countless ways. Just know I will still need you through this next phase, as well as I will also need any and all new friends I meet from here along the way.

This is pretty long, so I won't even go into the whole other topic of how freaking scary it is to think about being technically single again after about 12 years - and me weighing about 125 pounds less now than I did then. Being single and a size 8 is a scary, scary thing!

As I told some folks here already, the men are coming out of the woodwork and it is so damnnn overwhelming I wanna cover my head and hide from the world!

...but that's a topic for some other time!

Anyway, thank you for listening and please send me your positive energy and prayers. I need them because this journey changes for me emotionally each day - and sometimes the pain can be unbearable. I will need you all as I find what it is in my life God has planned for me.

As with my weight-loss journey, I will hold tight to this Scripture, which has given me strength and a vision each time I have felt scared and lost:

"I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for."
Jeremiah 29:11

My love to you all!
xoxox...MelissaD...Kitty...Your Friend