How does one handle the attention?

Yesterday my friend and I were emailing back and forth about how she is blossoming everyday since having weight-loss surgery. She has always been beautiful to me. However, she is now at the point, with almost 100 pounds gone, where she is getting more and more compliments...as well as more and more attention from men. It's only natural sadly.

I told her how one guy I know was saying she is so pretty now and how the world better look out when she gets to goal.

She wrote back and said:

Its funny coz my 'old' hair dresser says the same thing. About 2 month after surgery I had gone in for a trim and she said "your mom mentioned you had surgery, are you ok?" and I said ya, I had weight-loss surgery. After she picked her teeth up (we are the same age and I have known her since we were 18) she was all squealing and happy and goes OMG Katie bar the door!!! The world isn't ready for you smaller girl lol. Those men wont know what hit them.

Ok so where are all these men???

I wrote her back with:

Ummmm you haven't noticed them coming out of the woodwork???????

People told me those things too. And she's right too. Getting rid of the weight really does free you up mentally - even when you didn't realize that the weight was bothering you that much. It's so nice not to constantly feel and think about being fat. It frees you up to shine more.

To which she replied:

YA but im still sleeping alone lol

I know she was kidding, but I couldn't pass the opportunity to share my thoughts at length about that comment. While I am not worried about her going off the deep end, I still felt sharing my thoughts might help her. I am including it here because maybe it can help others too. :-)


I am just saying - men ARE coming out of the woodwork and giving you LOTS of compliments. Instead of acknowledging it you said "ya BUT I am still sleeping alone."

I know you were kidding but still - words you say and think are still very powerful in shaping your new view of yourself. Hope that makes sense.

I just want you to know that just because you're not hooking up, it doesn't negate that you are blossoming and more and more men ARE finding you attractive - and more and more will continue to do so.

I said that in regards to others I know who are really struggling - especially one girl. For her, positive attention, in her mind, is to get some. She ties the two together when they need to be two separate things. It's affecting her and how she presents herself and, when someone who thinks she is very pretty rejects her advances, she sees it as that she isn't getting positive attention.

Also, you are not getting any because you are being PICKY. You have to hold on to that privilege too - especially as the pounds come off more. It's going to be SO tempting to take men up on their offers - and you'll get lots. I think in all former fat girls, there is something in us that wants to prove to men (especially those who wouldn't like us before) that we ARE hot and sexy and desirable. But you have to channel it in the right way though.

I find a lot of pleasure in how I approach it. I get to prove my point but I don't give it up. I mean, look at the guys who come in and out of my life as friends. If I were single and had fallen for each one (or screwed them), my self esteem would be crap because in the end you see what they are out for.

There ARE really good men out there but you gotta weed out the others. In the process, I have fun, prove my point and I have met a few nice men who, if I weren't married, would make great partners. Those men of the world are worth the extra effort.

I realize I am married so people can say it is easier for me to do all this. However, I also know some married women go off the deep end too. So, I am not immune. It could really be a super mindf*ck if I didn't approach it correctly. I just have to channel my energy appropriately.

I hope you take the "prove my point" route as well. Women who take the other route really aren't proving anything except they are insecure and need to bed down with someone in order to feel self worth (which backfires in the end each time). By going to bed with a hot guy just to show yourself you can do it and you are wanted only puts you in an inferior position and negates all that you've worked hard for. The TRUE pleasure is in just knowing you have them eating out of the palm of your hands. ;-)

I know you know all this but still...I just want you to really understand that you have been, are and will be beautiful to me, Scott and your friends. It's just that, the more you emerge from your cocoon, the rest of the world is going to see it too and it all comes rushing in like a tidal wave. It's happening now and it only hits harder and harder.

As I've said a thousand times, I am so glad I have Scott to balance it all out because I wouldn't be able to have the clarity about the situation as I do now. Now I am trying to be that balance for you because it is a total mind trip and a lot of "fat" issues rise to the surface - insecurities, anger, frustration, past hurts, wanting to make up for lost time.

You ride these crazy emotions every day. Sometimes the compliments are intoxicating; sometimes they make you so mad. Sometimes they seem so shallow; sometimes you want people to worship you. But through it all, you have to be true to yourself and not let the outside forces damage the fragile being inside of the new shell that everyone adores.

I love you, Butterfly.

:-)